Therapy for Weirdos

by Greg Woods

It is probably not all that controversial of a statement, but I think that travel, done correctly, is the king of sensory experiences. Some people crave the adrenaline rush they get by riding a roller coaster or jumping out of an airplane. Some prefer movies, concerts or sporting events with their mind-bending displays of technology and visual stimulation. Well, that’s nice. Y’all go ahead. I just like to get out of town.

The simple act of going to a place that I’ve never been before, or going back to a place that I particularly enjoy— merely experiencing the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of a place that is different from home— is my stimulant of choice. That hardly makes me unique, of course. Lots of people are riding in that boat.

But for me, the trip itself is only half the equation. I’m a cheapskate and I will rarely feel good about starting a trip if I’ve already spent too much money on what I consider to be the wrong things… namely my plane ticket and my hotel. For the trip to be a true success in my mind, I’ve gotta get a reasonable deal on that stuff. But this attitude does not apply across the board.

I will happily blow WAY too much money on local food and drink, or a really tacky souvenir or tourist experience that can’t be replicated anywhere else. But if I feel like Darth Vader Airlines has squeezed me for an extra hundred bucks because I picked the wrong day to fly, or because I decided to bring some extra clothes with me, then this trip has gotten off to a bad start and I might not recover. My view is that the airlines are the adversary, and must be defeated.

Similarly, I’ll take the Holiday Inn Express in Chernobyl over a $350/night room at L’Extravagance in Paris. All I’m going to do in a hotel is sleep in their bed and use their shower and bathroom facilities. I really don’t sleep all that well in one of those uppity places anyway, even if I’ve managed to get a pretty good price on the room. I’m too distracted by the knowledge that they’re just going to make their money back with their fabulous parking garage and $25 breakfast buffet. All I need is a plain old hotel, a quiet room with no bugs, and some free coffee and powdered eggs for breakfast. Is that too much to ask?

Business Class is GLORIOUS

Historically, my favorite way to avoid spending too much on a plane ticket was to just have someone else pay for it. More than once I have added some personal time onto the end of a company-paid business trip, and this never failed to put me in my happy place. For some reason, I didn’t seem to have as big of an issue with airline price gouging when I knew it would be reimbursed by corporate. If they didn’t have a problem with it, why should I?

Unfortunately, my relationship with corporate eventually dissolved, so I can sadly no longer use this method. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty happy that I don’t work for those guys anymore, but I do miss their money, and their lackadaisical attitude toward fiscal responsibility where my business travel was concerned.

As an example of how this method of travel can be a life-changing experience, I’ll tell you about my most memorable corporate-financed excursion, a trip to England to work on a video broadcast. Because it was a longer flight, corporate even sprung for a business class ticket on this trip, which was a nice little bonus. One of the perks of business class that I didn’t even know about is access to the Batcave… the secret lounge at the airport that is only accessible to important people and lesser humans with corporate sponsors, like me. One of my coworkers educated me about this little miracle beforehand, so I arrived about two hours before departure in order to milk this expensive plane ticket for all it was worth.

After giving the secret knock and gaining entry, the first thing I discovered is that the Batcave has a complimentary bar where they seem almost eager to overserve you. Well, that’s an encouraging start to the trip, isn’t it? And the food is pretty darn amazing. This is not the food they put on the airplane, folks, it is edible and there’s plenty of it.

There is an impressive, fancy buffet of nearly anything you might want to eat. But if a buffet is too working-class for you, then you can order up something from a waiter with a thin mustache and a white napkin hanging off his arm. You can get a real steak, cooked to any temperature you want, even if you don’t prefer well-well done. No wonder they don’t usually let people like me in here.

I wasn’t in the Batcave for long before I got the bright idea to procure as many beverages from the (free!) bar as I could before it was time to get on the plane. I had an overnight flight, landing at about 7 a.m. local time, and I figured if I could sedate myself properly, maybe I could sleep for 4-5 hours. Then I’d be nice and refreshed for a full day of work upon landing, because lots of alcohol always helps you feel refreshed the next day. (Right?)

Spoiler Alert: this is not a plan that is grounded in reality. More on that in a minute. Anyway, the bartender seemed to be on to my scheme, but kept pouring with a smile. You get free drinks in the Batcave, but tips are welcome and highly encouraged, and this guy was working it. He was tipped pretty well, as I remember.

Business class on the plane was everything I had hoped it would be. For starters, I was able to board the plane before all the poor schmucks in the back. Then I got to my seat and happily discovered I was the recipient of a complimentary business class package of a bottle of water, a miniature hand sanitizer, headphones and some slippers. This was clearly a different world up here. But the best part, obviously, was the extra leg room, a seat that would lay flat for sleeping purposes, and a noticeable lack of attitude from the flight attendants.

One of those surprisingly friendly people came by my seat to let me know that the upper class is allowed to access the beverage cart before the plane even leaves the gate. Whaaat?? In fact, she convinced me this was the only proper thing to do. At this point, I am still trying to extract full value, so why not? So I took my something-and-tonic, kicked back in my very comfortable seat and settled in.

I was fed, watered, feeling pretty good and ready for a nice little nap. But my well thought-out plan was about to disintegrate before my eyes. Pro Tip: when you have lot to drink and then allow yourself to be sealed in a pressurized tube for 7 hours, you are going to have to pee. Frequently. I did manage to drift off to sleep (read: pass out) fairly quickly, but that didn’t last for long. Suffice to say that instead of knocking me out for the night, all that alcohol would keep me awake by slowly eradicating itself from my body over the entire course of the 7-hour flight.

I made (no exaggeration) at least a dozen trips up and down the aisle that night. I think I probably wore down a groove in the floor by going back and forth. The (very nice) flight attendants were convinced I was ill and came by to ask if they could help in any way. I assured them I was fine, just really sleepy. Meanwhile, all that walking gave me plenty of chances to see everyone else sleeping peacefully.

Business class did come to my rescue once we landed. There was about an hour gap between my arrival and that of some colleagues coming from a different airport, so I decided to wait at the British version of the Batcave. I briefly considered the bar, (open at 7am! Go England!) before opting instead for a hot shower. What a perk THAT was. After a redeye flight with no sleep, that was nothing short of a miracle, as was the full English breakfast and coffee that helped me to feel somewhat normal.


Jolly Old England
We dropped off bags at our hotel and immediately got to work on the broadcast, which was to happen at a small manufacturing plant in Ampthill, Bedfordshire, about 50 miles northwest of London.

Modern day Ampthill is a city of about 13,000 people, but has a history going back to the 1500’s as a tiny village straight out of an old English storybook. King Henry VIII frequently visited and hunted in the area. As far as I know, he did not manage to find any wives there. I have always found medieval era England to be really cool, and much of that historical charm still remains in Ampthill.

Unfortunately, they didn’t have the type of accommodations that a digital video team requires, so we stayed in the nearby city of Milton Keynes, which has a pretty remarkable history of its own. The general area had been home to Bletchley Park, where British intelligence famously worked to break the German “Enigma” code in World War II. This was likely the deciding factor in the war, and movie fans might recognize this as the central plot for the fantastic Oscar-winning film “The Imitation Game” starring Benedict Cumberbatch. Watch that one, if you haven’t.

At any rate, in 1960 the British government randomly decided that “hey, we need a much bigger city right here!” But nothing in the area had the proper layout and transportation infrastructure to support a large population. So what do you do? Well obviously, you build yourself a big city. So they designed Milton Keynes from the ground up with the intent of it becoming a bustling, cosmopolitan business center.

To me, the concept seems pretty outrageous. Cities start out as small towns and then gradually get bigger. That’s just the way it’s supposed to work. But they pulled it off. With its sleek architecture and transportation grid, as well as a present day population of around 250,000 people, Milton Keynes is a sharp and almost humorous contrast to the quaint little English villages surrounding it. It’s a pretty crazy story.


London in three days
I could have easily spent a week in the Ampthill area, trying to find all the little pubs that look like something out of Game of Thrones. As soon as I can make it back, I absolutely intend to explore Wales, the national parks in the north part of the country, as well as Scotland and Ireland. This trip happened shortly before I started spending considerable time, effort and money on becoming a better photographer, so I’m quite eager to go back there with photography in mind.

But the primary draw of that trip for me was always going to be London. From the moment I was told I was being sent to England, I told them I would be needing a few extra days to go see the big city. For a history buff and sometimes-Anglophile, it was a dream come true.

After the broadcast was finished, my coworkers gave me a ride from Ampthill back to Heathrow Airport, where they were about to board a plane and go home. I said goodbye, then jumped on the “Tube”… the London subway system that would take me into the center of the city. I could have taken an express train and saved myself a few minutes, but the cost was an extra $20 American, and as we have established… I’m cheap. I figured I’d probably rather spend that money on a couple extra pints of British beer.

Frugal travel is not easy to achieve in a city like London, which is notorious for its exorbitant hotel rates. But in this case, it did work well with my plan to find a home base in a neighborhood of authentic Londoners, rather than in the middle of the tourist hotspots. All I really needed was a safe and comfortable bed and bathroom, and since I had no car, I wanted it to be near a Tube station so I could get around the city easily.

I ended up in the Kensington area of the city, near Kensington Palace, Hyde Park and right next to the Earl’s Court tube station. Hotels in this area aren’t cheap by American standards, but it’s quite a bit more affordable than the more trendy spots. I stayed at the Rushmore hotel on Trebovir Road, which was small, but just the right combination of inexpensive, safe, cozy and clean. And the neighborhood was perfect, with plenty of shops, pubs, fast food, anything you might need.

I enjoyed some authentic fish and chips and a couple pints of beer across the street at The Prince of Teck pub my first night there. The staff had fun with my American accent, but the service was fantastic. The British basket of fish and potato wedges is a bit different than the American version, which is a lot saltier and more heavily seasoned. The batter on the fish has a different texture than its American counterpart, and the chips are quite a bit fluffier and more like a big chunk of potato than an American “French fry.” My 15-year-old daughter, had she been there, would have said the chips were too “potatoey.”

Having greatly enjoyed that food and authentic English experience, I later returned for some Bangers and Mash (sausages with mashed potatoes), not to mention a few more pints. British beer absolutely lives up to its reputation. It was definitely a favorite stop. In all, Earl’s Court was exactly the type of location I was looking for. If you want to get the flavor of a British neighborhood, this is a great place to stay.

My hotel was literally steps away from the entrance to the tube station, and I took full advantage of it. I bought an “all you can ride” pass, and did not hesitate to jump on the Tube for even the quickest trip. I would often leave my room, get on the train and be back within an hour. You really do not need a car in London, which is fortunate since it’s nearly impossible to park. You truly can get nearly anywhere you need to go via the subway, other trains, buses and taxis. It is about as perfect a mass-transit system as I’ve ever experienced. But be aware, you need a comfortable pair of shoes, because it’s a HUGE city, and you’ll still be walking quite a bit.

From Earl’s Court, my most common trip was to take a 5 minute ride on the Green Line to Westminster Station, where it’s an easy walk to Buckingham Palace, Big Ben and the Parliament Building and most other landmarks that London is famous for. The tour of Westminster Abbey was a personal favorite, not only for the incredible architecture and thoughts of all the royal weddings and funerals that have happened there, but also to see the final resting place of more than 3,000 British royals and other historical figures.

Another favorite stop was the Churchill War Rooms, an underground labyrinth beneath the governmental sector of London known as Whitehall. From here, many feet below ground, Winston Churchill directed the British war effort as German bombs devastated London overhead. You can view actual maps, telephones and furniture that were used at the time. For a history geek, it is an amazing thing to see.

Other favorite stops were Piccadilly Circus, which is kind of like London’s (better) version of Times Square, and St. John’s Wood station, which is a short walk from Abbey Road Studios and the crosswalk that the Beatles made famous. If I’d had more time, I would have visited one of London’s great open food markets, historical neighborhoods like Soho, and Shakespeare’s Theater. You can even do a walking tour of the actual locations where Jack the Ripper terrorized the city in the 1800s. Kinda creepy, but also kinda cool.

In all, this trip was great, but I needed more time. You really need a week in London to really get a feel for the place. I’ve also discovered that I can’t really squeeze the most out of a location like that on the first trip. That goes for both photography and for travel in general. So of all the places that are high on my bucket list, going back to London is going to be a very high priority until I can check it off the list again.

P.S. I didn’t drink before the flight home, and slept the whole way.